|
Reprinted from Instinct
Magazine, January/February 1999.
 A
Whole New World
Gay Day at Walt Disney World: No
Earthquakes, Tornadoes or Meteors. Sorry Pat Robertson.
(Eddie and Jeffrey do Disney)
By Jeffrey Epstein and Eddie Shapiro
You're planning your romantic vacation for two,
three, twelve, whatever, and you're weighing the merits of Key West, Paris and
Hawaii. For some reason Walt Disney World hasn't made the final cut. Are you
sure about that? Maybe it's time to rethink your options. Disney offers
samplings of all these destinations and is equally as gay (if not more so). You
just have to know where to look. Now, wipe that incredulous expression off your
face. If you peek beyond the breeders and inbred families from around globe
you'll find one of the most hip, happening, homo havens around. Perhaps our
perspective is a bit skewed since we ventured to Orlando during the now-infamous
Gay Days which take place the first weekend of June every year (mark your
calendar). But visit the four theme parks that comprise the World during any
time of the year and you'll discover it's a gay world after all. Here's a
sampling from our journals of our four day excursion to the happiest place in
the universe.
 Day One
Jeffrey: 6:45 am, Coronado Springs Resort.
Arrived at the hotel at the ungodly hour of 6:30am. Gotta love the red eye.
Lucky for us, they were able to get us into a corner room with a water view. I
am shocked that this Mexican-themed hotel (with piñata accents aplenty) is so
large it merits three bus stops.
Eddie: 7:06 am, bus to Animal Kingdom.
Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. I know I said I wanted to be up first thing in the
morning to ride every single ride. I know I goaded Jeffrey into accepting this
M.O. But I wasn't figuring on having to pick him up at the airport at 5:30am.
More coffee, please. Oh look… children. It's going to be a long day.
Jeffrey: 12:35 pm, lunch. If it were any
hotter, I'd evaporate.
Eddie: 12:37 pm, lunch. There's no
question that Animal Kingdom was designed by every homo in the Disney corral. It
is motif-land with splashes of Santa Fe colors on every garbage can, lamp post
and bench. But the capper was getting inside that massive Tree of Life, the
centerpiece of the park, for the fabulous 3-D musical movie It's Tough to Be a
Bug (based on A Bug's Life). I took one step in, dragging a limp and wilted
Jeffrey behind me, and our spirits soared. And it wasn't just the air
conditioning either. We were surrounded by posters from the hit bug shows Beauty
and the Bees, My Fair Ladybug and A Stinkbug Named Desire while being serenaded
by an insect chorus buzzing out hits like 'I Could Have Danced All Night' and
the like. Don't tell me that this wasn't designed by musical comedy queens. I
would have been content to spend the day in the pre-show area, but Jeffrey
insisted we view the actual attraction.
Jeffrey: 5:40 pm, bus to hotel. Sure I
loved Countdown to Extinction, where Phylicia Rashad and Wallace Langham took us
back a bizillion years to run with the dinos. Of course the safari was…well,
wild - after all it's where we spotted out first non-animatronic animals. And I
adored our cruise through the Kingdom (and not just because our boat was called
the Scarlet Flamingo). But the outstanding attraction was The Lion King
Spectacular. Instead of warm fuzzies recreating moments from the kids flick,
acrobats, dancers, fire eaters, stilt walkers and a quartet of outstanding
singers put on a show more colorful than a pride parade. Naturally, Eddie could
not resist flirting with a couple of the scantily clad antelope.
Eddie: 7:10 pm, Coronado Springs. Jeffrey
keeps accusing me of flirting with the antelope. Please. It was the gazelle.
Just had a frightening brush with the Disney pathology when I learned from two
women behind the concierge desk that a hippo had died that day at Animal
Kingdom. One tried to placate me with the astonishing news that, "Hippos
die every day in the wild." Before I could open my mouth to debate her, the
other soothingly offered, "Honey, it's the circle of life." I have no
response to this.
 Jeffrey: 1:30 am, bus from Pleasure Island.
Had an amazing time at Pleasure Island, Disney's Times-Square-in-a-tank-top
nightlife area crammed with numerous clubs and restaurants. At Mannequins,
Thursdays are the unofficial gay night (and may as well be a Disney staff
party), but because we're here during Gay Day, the entire island was overflowing
with fags and dykes. Our first stop was in the Adventurers Club where a
safari-loving geezer (actually an elaborate puppet) sparred with the heavily
drinking crowd. But it was at Mannequins disco where our night took off thanks
to the immense, rotating dance floor which simplified the cruising process. Why
walk around a club when you can take a spin on the boy buffet? Or you can stand
on the sidelines and select from the Lazy Susan as it whirls by.
Day Two
Jeffrey: 9:11 am, Mann's Chinese Theatre at
Disney/MGM Studios. After dashing by security and tossing several small
children out of the way, we managed to experience the thrilling Twilight Zone
Tower of Terror twice before moving on to tamer activities. Along the way, Eddie
began chatting with a trio of cuties, both of us assuming that at least one of
them was single. To our disappointment, as we rode along The Great Movie Ride
singing along with the Munchkins in The Wizard of Oz and cooing over Julie
Andrews as Mary Poppins (this ride is a movie buff's wet dream), we learned that
the trio was, in fact, a trio. Although Eddie would have gladly made it a
foursome, I dragged him away.
Eddie: 12:30 pm, lunch at the '50s Primetime
Café. I just snuck a peek at Jeffrey's journal. He keeps painting me as the
town tramp which I find ironic considering the way he trolled around the New
York street replica, as if he was an E-ticket ride. Lunch at this place offer's
MGM's most homo-friendly setting for grub. Turquoise banquettes, TV's showing
reruns of Lucy and Our Miss Brooks and mouthy waitresses in hairnets plopping
down over-priced macaroni and meatloaf platters. Had particular fun with a
costumed starlet who insisted I was her pool boy. Little did she know I was
working for Rock Hudson.
Jeffrey: 3:25 pm, bleachers of The Beauty and
the Beast Live on Stage. Wow, this redux of the Disney classic is lame,
lame, lame. But thank goodness for Muppet-vision 4-D which had me rolling in the
aisles. No one can convince me that Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat are not having a
clandestine relationship. And for sheer kicks, The Voyage of the Little Mermaid
opens with an amazing rendition of 'Under the Sea' using dozens of colorful
puppets and black lights. Naturally, I was more concerned with the hunky Prince
Eric than with Ariel's flopping fins. Eddie found himself enthralled with
Ursula, the sea witch. This comes as no surprise to me.
Eddie: 5:10 pm, the bus back to the hotel.
I found the Holy Grail. Sid Cahuenga's One of a Kind Shop at the MGM gates has
more useless junk which I can't live without than, well, the Disney Store. Was
it going to be the Jacklyn Smith sunglasses, the Ann-Margaret pumps or an
original Bedknobs and Broomsticks mobile? I settled on a Peter Pan poster but
decided that this was my new favorite kitsch haven. I shopped. Jeffrey sulked.
 Jeffrey: 1:15 am, car back from Typhoon Lagoon
Party. I don't think I've ever had so much fun with so little clothing on.
Okay, I take that back. This wonderful, wet water park was exclusively gay for
The Beach Ball, and I can't imagine it any other way (although I suppose it is
364 days of the year). Lolling along the lazy river in an inner tube gave us the
perfect opportunity to view all the hotties in their Speedos. Naturally, being
the pure, innocent thing that I am, I had nothing sinful on my mind while being
tossed about with dozens of gorgeous men in the tremendous wave pool. And how
convenient was it that one of the waterslides allotted a 'family-sized' tube,
which comfortably fit four? One for me. One for Eddie. It made for the perfect
opportunity for us to make some new friends. Ten new friends to be specific.
Eddie: 2:30 am, Coronado Springs. Here's
why you should rent a car at Disney World Gay Days: After an event like The
Beach Ball, you get to shuttle your pick of grateful men back to their hotels.
Here's why you shouldn't rent a car at Disney World Gay Days: Your trashy
roommate might decide to steam up the backseat windows with his pick-up while
you have the privilege of driving Miss Daisy and his date to the Piggly Wiggly.
I'm just now hanging up my chauffeur's hat. There'd better be a bonus in my next
check.
Day Three
Jeffrey: 6:35 am, Coronado Springs.
Obviously I'm doing penance for some terrible thing I've done in a past life as
Eddie has dragged me from bed to be at the gates of the Magic Kingdom when it
opens to resort guests. Because we're staying on park property, we have access
to the park an hour and a half early today - the pinnacle of the gay day
celebration. While this allows for more cruising time later in the day, what
good is additional cruising time when you're comatose?
Jeffrey: 8:59 am, in line for Peter Pan. I
admit it. Eddie is very smart. Thanks to his commando mentality, we were
actually able to enjoy most of the major attractions in Tomorrowland and
Fantasyland before the park opened to the general public. I concede. He wins.
 Eddie: 1:38 pm, cruising the Jungle Cruise.
To try to point out what's gay about the Magic Kingdom is like trying to point
out what's fattening at Mrs. Fields. Singling out seems a futile exercise.
Although I will say that the straightest attraction in the park bar none is The
Hall of Presidents (hell, most of those guys got there because they hate us!).
There are, however, attractions which are truly overt. Splash Mountain is about
Brer Bear's butt. That butt is relentless - it's at every turn. I don't believe
for a minute that those swarthy Pirates of the Caribbean keep it in their pants
until they get to port. And, of course, It's a Small World is a NAMBLA member's
paradise.
Jeffrey: 3:22 pm, on the Skyway. Eddie is
completely preoccupied with Brer Bear's animatronic butt. Who knew he liked them
big, hairy and with snaggly teeth? We met up with our Typhoon Lagoon group and
hiked it on over to Mickey's Toontown Faire for photos with the characters. The
seven of us got snapped with a very frightened Aladdin and an adorable Snow
White. Snow White and the seven homos. Who knew?
Eddie: 4:09 pm, by the Liberty Bell.
Jeffrey keeps going on about Snow White and Aladdin. But why settle for them
when homo characters around the park abound. Ratcliffe from Pocahontas? The Mad
Hatter? And in the diva department, Cruella De Vil who, even in 100 degree heat,
kept the fur.
Jeffrey: 5:32 pm, Main Street U.S.A. I
never thought I'd live to say that I loved the Tiki Room, but some clever
imagineer has taken the most boring attraction in the history of the park and
spruced it up. While the place is still cluttered with singing birds and plants
and walls, now Iago (from Aladdin) and Zazu (from The Lion King) host, and it's…
well, it's funny! And don't even try to tell me that the uppity Zazu is
straight. By the end, our feathered friends had us doing the conga onto the next
line.
Eddie: 10:15 pm, bus back to hotel. For
solitude with that special someone, should he ever show up, I scoped out the
Haunted Mansion, parts of Tom Sawyer Island and, for true poetic justice, that
Hall-o-Presidents (hey, it's dark, it's empty and it's 15 minutes long!).
Jeffrey: 2:15 am, Coronado Springs. Just
returned from Jeffrey Sanker's annual One Mighty Party which puts all the action
of a circuit party smack dab in the middle of Disney/MGM Studios. I must admit,
the sight of a writhing gogo dancer gyrating just feet away from Mickey (who
courteously greeted every shirtless man who entered the gates) made me all
tingly. While most people seemed to content to sweat to the blaring bass on the
immense outdoor dance floor, Eddie and I seized the opportunity to ride the
Tower of Terror five times consecutively. And if we needed any reminders that it
wasn't a typical day in the park, seconds before the ten story freefall one cad
blurted out, "I think my X is kicking in!"
Day Four
Jeffrey: 9:20 am, the big fountain. I
doubt there is a more gay-friendly ride in all of Disney than Ellen's Energy
Adventure which features Ellen DeGeneres and Bill Nye, the Science Guy (with a
cameo by Jaime Lee Curtis) traveling back in time to learn about - duh - energy.
It was feared that Disney might alter the ride when DeGeneres leapt out of the
closet, but thus far she's out, proud and animatronic. While no lesbian
dinosaurs were spotted, I'm pretty certain I caught a brontosaurus giving me the
eye.
Eddie: 11:16 am, the base of Spaceship Earth.
Aside from Ellen's foray into family territory, gay quotient in Future World is
low. But it exists if you look for it: a singing pink dragon and a rainbow
tunnel in Journey Into the Imagination, Hollywood cameos by Tim Daly, Elisabeth
Shue, John Lovetz, Charles Grodin, George Wendt and Bobcat Goldtwaith in The
Wonders of Life and a fabulous conservation film at The Land hosted by the
gayest animated couple around, The Lion King's Timon and Pumba. I realize I'm
stretching here, but maybe the future's not all that gay. Nah.
 Jeffrey: 12:22 pm, World Showcase lagoon.
"Nobody speaks of pavilions anymore, and that truly saddens me," said
Sandra Bernhard in Without You I'm Nothing. Oh, but Sandra, they do! They do!
World Showcase is chock-full-o-pavilions. Want to relive your first trip to
Paris? Look no further than the miniature Eiffel Tower on the horizon. Craving
pasta? Journey to Italy. The only annoying thing about the little lands is the
barrage of 'Visit Our Country' movies that Eddie made me sit through. Like I
really needed to know Norway's primary export.
Eddie: 1:25 pm, in front of the Parisian
Patisserie. Epcot's World Showcase is good for three things. International
food (watered down by Disney), international shopping (marked up by Disney) and
international men (which Disney imports and can't really tamper with). Each
country is stocked with flirtatious natives who are either incredibly randy or
in a competition to win 'Most Hospitable Country Award'. Gives a whole new
meaning to 'favored nations'.
Jeffrey: 8:15 pm, the flight home. It's
rare that one needs a vacation after a vacation, but Disney our way was not a
low-maintenance trip. Still, I wouldn't trade a minute of it - well, maybe those
15 minutes I spent in the Hall of the Presidents. And I'm planning on heading
back with Eddie next year. Hopefully we'll be speaking again by that time.
Eddie: 8:45 pm, the flight home. Who knew
that the longest days of my life would fly by so quickly? Jeffrey's asleep (who
can blame him - fifteen minutes of My Giant will do that to anyone). I'm sitting
here feeling incredibly lucky. After all, we went to America's number one family
destination and found family. And we did it leaving all of the relatives at
home. Neat trick.
|
